A Heart Unfettered, A Life Lived Fully

“Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams, and I’ll show you a happy man.”

~Tennyson

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was visited by my nine year old self and my eighteen year old self. It was of a Ghost of Christmas Past kind of thing. My nine year old and eighteen year old selves sat down with my twenty-nine year old self and we had a little conversation about our future.

"I want to be a marine biologist or an actress," said nine year old me. "I want to live by the sea and help animals and win an Oscar." My nine year old self was bright-eyed and optimistic, doubtless and full of anticipation. "I want to be a spy or a photojournalist," said eighteen year old me. "I want to see the world, study art and history and languages. I want to capture unforgettable images and write about things that are important. I want my life to be one big adventure." Eighteen year old me was still full of optimism and anticipation, but now slightly unsure about what the future has in store.

I looked at their eager faces and realized my twenty-nine year old self still wanted to be a marine biologist. And an actress. And a photojournalist. And a spy. I still want to be all those things. I still believe that life has so much more in store for me. It's crazy. It’s impossible. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it all.

“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~Helen Keller

It’s a constant battle, trying to figure out life. I’m always at odds with myself. My young heart versus my old soul. My sense of obligation and responsibility versus my desire for freedom and adventure. My true Gemini self: dual sides of one being. A never-ending internal struggle that leaves me in a state of perpetual restlessness.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” ~Thoreau

It’s the ultimate human struggle, isn’t it? To figure out how to truly live. To die with no regrets. The secret of living life to the fullest is finding depth and passion and meaning and purpose in life. But how to we find it? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my life. I love my friends and family and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. But there is SO MUCH MORE out there. So much more to learn and experience and enjoy. A whole world waiting to be discovered. And every day that goes by, every day spent in a cubicle staring at a computer screen, is another day wasted. I don't want to waste the days anymore. I have an inherent need to do something crazy… to suck out all the marrow of life… to do something to feel ALIVE…

 

Come, my friends.

'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.

Push off, and sitting well in order smite

the sounding furrows; for my purpose holds

To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths

Of all the western stars, until I die.

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;

It may be that we shall touch the Happy Isles,

And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.

Though much is taken, much abides; and though

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are---

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.