Earlier this week I had let someone know that I just wasn't interested in him. I hate doing this. But I do it because when I'm dating someone and they just fall off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again, it makes me angry. Or when I'm dating someone longer than 8 months and they break up with me via email, it makes me feel like total shit. To do this to someone is just rude and pathetic.
In today's technological world, it's hard to tell sometimes what is acceptable and what is not acceptable when breaking up with someone. So I always make it a point to follow the Breaking-Up Rules of Etiquette* so that the dumpee does not have to feel like total shit. If you're not aware of the Rules, please see the chart below:
But my beef does not end here. I would also like to point out that there is a good way to be broken-up with. This gentleman whom I had to tell I just wasn't that into him was not happy about it, and he made me feel worse than I already did. I do not think that was called for. Especially after only going out on one date. A lunch date. I am a firm believer that you should not lead someone one and that it's only courteous to let someone know when you're not interested. His reply? An angry "I should have seen that coming."
Ugh. Really? I'm a firm believer in cordiality. If someone doesn't want to see me anymore, sure I'm hurt, but I'm also not a dick about it. I also want to make sure I leave it friendly, especially if we have mutual friends, because we'll likely run into each other again. So, to help out those who are broken up with, here are
Three Things NOT to Say When Someone Breaks Up With You:
1) "I should have known this was coming." (Especially after just one date) -- This implies you think you are a loser.
2) "Have a nice life." -- This implies you're a dick.
3) "But I love you, we're meant to be together forever and I already photoshopped our future family into our scrapbook..." -- ... [crickets] ...
Last year I went out with someone three or four times and I thought he was a great guy but I just wasn't interested in him romantically. I wanted to be friends, so I told him that in person. He responded that he would like to be friends and hugged me before he left. That is a perfect example of how to break up with someone and how to be broken-up with.
My public service announcement is over. Hope this has helped you all out. It's sure helped me.
*Yes, I made these up. But you should still follow the Rules because they're correct.
It’s Thanksgiving. That special time of the year where we Americans celebrate the fact that even though the pilgrims had just massacred most of the natives and stole their land, our ancestors didn’t die from famine because the Native Americans were humane enough to feed them.
It’s really a feel-good time for all.
I’m thankful for a lot, though, really. Friends, family, good health, opportunities. The wonderful things that await me.
But mostly I’m thankful my mom bought a case of Christmas Ale for tomorrow.
So, now it’s time to prepare for the holiday season ahead of us -- the barrage of traffic, long lines, screaming children and greed galore. But I choose, and I hope you will too, to ignore all that and instead face the holidays with love and humor in our hearts. Remember those less fortunate and remember giving is always better than receiving. Tell your friends and family how much they mean to you. Stop and relax and remember the true meaning of the holiday season: love, peace, and goodwill towards all.
In the spirit of humor through the holidays, I leave you all with the best part of one of my favorite Thanksgiving TV episodes of all time.
“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.”
~Bishop Desmond Tutu
This past Friday night, I was relaxing at home on the couch, flipping through the channels when I saw “What Would You Do?” on ABC Primetime. It’s an ethical dilemma show that uses actors to test unknowing participants with a variety of situations to see how they would react. Would they ignore the person in need and sit idly by or would they speak up and do something? I’ve only seen the show a handful of times and every time I watch it, I’m simply stunned at the amount of apathetic (or even downright horribly mean and racist) people in our country. But there are some people who do the right thing. And sometimes the reactions of those who do end up doing something can be funny or heartwarming or even heroic. This show is a reminder to us all that we are on this earth together, as human beings, and we should never, ever think twice about helping someone in need.
On Friday’s episode, a particular segment made me so emotional, that even talking about it two days later with my mother, made me choke up again. I plan on showing the clip to my First Aid and CPR class tonight, because I think it’s not only relevant to my class, but important for all people to see.
In the clip below, the show asks the question of what would you do if someone suddenly collapsed on the sidewalk? At first, the actor who collapses is a well-dressed woman and immediately, people stop to help her when she collapses. But then they try something different. What would people do if the person who collapses is a homeless man? Now all of the sudden, people are less inclined to help out. What if the homeless person was holding a beer can when he collapses? Amazingly nearly 90 people walk by without giving this man a second glance. A man who, for all they know, is lying there dying. As upset as I was watching this, I was no where near prepared for what I was about to see.
An older woman, hobbling with a cane and possibly homeless herself, stops to see if he is ok. She sees he is clearly unconscious. She asks passerby after passerby to call 911 and no one stops to do so. They all ignore her pleas for help. She is trying to help a man she does not know and after the umpteenth person ignores her, she looks to the sky and curses God. Finally, after what seemed like forever, a woman stops and calls 911. Not only do these people on the streets of Newark ignore the “homeless” man lying motionless on the sidewalk, but they ignore the woman asking for help. No one had the decency to even call 911. This segment made me so emotional, mere words cannot express my anger and sadness.
What if that man were you? Or your father or brother or uncle? What if he were a veteran? One that came back from the hell of war, to the country he gave so much to, expecting to be greeted with open arms and appreciation but instead got the cold shoulder and ended up on the streets, all alone. Like so many others.
All human beings, no matter their gender, race, religion, age, sexual orientation, or station in life, deserve to be treated humanely and with dignity. Everyone on this earth feels pain and heartache and suffering. Joy and sorrow. We all laugh and cry and, at some point in our lives, we all feel down on our luck, sometimes desperate. If we’re lucky, we rebound. If we’re lucky, we find something or someone worth fighting for. Do we all not want the same things in life? Happiness? To love and to be loved? Peace and kindness between all of mankind?
“I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.” ~Elie Wiesel
In law school, I learned of a woman named Kitty Genovese, a 28 year old New Yorker who was stabbed repeatedly outside of her apartment building. There were thirty eight witnesses and no one did anything to help her as she was brutally murdered. No one called the police until it was too late. Psychologists call the phenomenon the “Bystander Effect” or “responsibility diffusion.” I call it bullshit. It takes a truly courageous person to confront an attacker with a weapon to help someone else. But it doesn’t take courage to call the police, only a desire to help someone. They could have shouted, they could have approached the attacker as a group, they could have done something, anything. Instead they ignored Kitty’s screams and she was murdered.
In the same episode of Friday’s “What Would You Do?” but a different segment, a man (who stood up for a gay couple and their children eating at a restaurant after the waiter was repeatedly cruel to them) said that the reason he said something was because his parents were Holocaust survivors. He said his parents had to endure the hell they went through because no one stood up and said “this is wrong.” No one did anything until it was too late and millions of people were murdered. He’s right. There were people in power who knew what Hitler was planning. But they did nothing, they said nothing. They were afraid or they were apathetic or they were unsure. But they did nothing and millions died because of their silence.
“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” ~Gandhi
Although it is always easier to give up when things get difficult or seem impossible and although it is easier to turn a blind eye to all the cruelty in the world, in the end, I will always choose to believe in the simple goodness of man. Like Anne Frank, I believe, despite everything, that all people are really good at heart. I believe that all humans have the capacity for decency and unconditional kindness. I refuse to accept that as humans, we cannot open our eyes and our hearts to someone in need. I know for a fact that there are people out there willing to stand up for others and what is right and what is fair and what is good. No matter what the cost. I know it because people write books and songs and poetry and make movies about the triumph of the human spirit. About how lives were changed because of the goodness of others. They can envision beauty and compassion in mankind because they have experienced it at some point in their lives. Something so wonderful touched them that they were compelled to tell the world. Even a simple smile has the power to save a life. The best part about it all, is that we each, individually, have the choice. We can choose to make a difference, no matter how small, in the life of another. We have a voice and we have a choice. We mustn’t ever forget that.
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank
“Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams, and I’ll show you a happy man.”
~Tennyson
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was visited by my nine year old self and my eighteen year old self. It was of a Ghost of Christmas Past kind of thing. My nine year old and eighteen year old selves sat down with my twenty-nine year old self and we had a little conversation about our future.
"I want to be a marine biologist or an actress," said nine year old me. "I want to live by the sea and help animals and win an Oscar." My nine year old self was bright-eyed and optimistic, doubtless and full of anticipation. "I want to be a spy or a photojournalist," said eighteen year old me. "I want to see the world, study art and history and languages. I want to capture unforgettable images and write about things that are important. I want my life to be one big adventure." Eighteen year old me was still full of optimism and anticipation, but now slightly unsure about what the future has in store.
I looked at their eager faces and realized my twenty-nine year old self still wanted to be a marine biologist. And an actress. And a photojournalist. And a spy. I still want to be all those things. I still believe that life has so much more in store for me. It's crazy. It’s impossible. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it all.
“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~Helen Keller
It’s a constant battle, trying to figure out life. I’m always at odds with myself. My young heart versus my old soul. My sense of obligation and responsibility versus my desire for freedom and adventure. My true Gemini self: dual sides of one being. A never-ending internal struggle that leaves me in a state of perpetual restlessness.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” ~Thoreau
It’s the ultimate human struggle, isn’t it? To figure out how to truly live. To die with no regrets. The secret of living life to the fullest is finding depth and passion and meaning and purpose in life. But how to we find it? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my life. I love my friends and family and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. But there is SO MUCH MORE out there. So much more to learn and experience and enjoy. A whole world waiting to be discovered. And every day that goes by, every day spent in a cubicle staring at a computer screen, is another day wasted. I don't want to waste the days anymore. I have an inherent need to do something crazy… to suck out all the marrow of life… to do something to feel ALIVE…
Come, my friends.
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
the sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be that we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are---
Watching the news has always been a depressing pastime, but in the past couple of weeks, it just got a whole lot more depressing.
Seth Walsh, a 13 year old from California, hung himself. Asher Brown, another 13 year old, shot himself. Billy Lucas, a 15 year old from Indiana hung himself. Tyler Clementi, an 18 year old from New Jersey killed himself when he jumped off the George Washington Bridge. Raymond Chase, a 19 year old from Rhode Island hung himself too.
These boys all killed themselves because they were being constantly and heartbreakingly taunted, harassed and bullied for their real or perceived sexual orientation. It makes me so angry! It’s 2010… when will it stop? Haven’t we reached the point in evolution where we can treat human beings like human beings? Regardless of your beliefs, these CHILDREN are killing themselves.
Schools need to start doing something about this and do it now. If school faculty and administrators continue to allow students to be bullied and harassed, they should be held criminally and civilly liable. More importantly, parents need to teach their children that all people deserve respect, and that it's ok to be different. They need to teach them by showing them. By watching their words and their actions. By being respectful.
If these recent suicides are not a wake-up call to all of us, then I sincerely fear for humanity.
Thankfully, some folks are starting to take notice and are doing something to speak out. Dan Savage, one of my favorite columnists, has started the “It Gets Better Project” on YouTube. Folks can upload their stories for kids out there who are struggling, so that they can realize that it WILL get better for them one day, and suicide is not an option. Go here to watch or submit a video.
Here is one of my all-time favorite celebrities, Ellen:
Chris Colfer, on behalf of The Trevor Project:
Sarah Silverman has posted a YouTube video. To me, her very powerful message says it all:
"Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openingly or marry the person they love, you're telling that to kids, too. So, don't be f*#!*#% shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different. They learned it from watching you."
All people, regardless of their gender, race, religion, creed, or sexual orientation deserve to be afforded the same rights as everyone else. But at the VERY LEAST, they to be treated humanely and with respect. At the VERY LEAST deserve that.
To all of you who tell me that being gay is morally wrong and condemned by God, I say to you this. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Do not hand me your bigotry and hate in the name of God. My God loves ALL of my fellow human beings, gay or straight, just the same.
By the way, October 18 to 22 is Ally Week. If you care, go to www.allyweek.org and take the pledge to support the GLBT community. They need someone to lean on right now.
This entire weekend I was home sick, confined to the couch for what felt like an eternity, drinking Gatorade, sleeping, listening to music and watching movies. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, being completely alone all weekend. It was actually very relaxing and full of reflection.
I realized that there was a new song and an old movie that gave my solitary weekend a theme: loving someone for who they are. It’s a very hopeful theme, and it goes very well with where I’m at in my life right now.
I listened to Bruno Mars’s “Just the Way You Are” a few times, it’s a great song:
(Side note: Have you heard Nelly’s new single “Just a Dream” yet? If not, listen to it now, I love, love, love it!)
Of the probably six or seven movies I watched, Bridget Jones’s Diary was the one I’ve seen many, many times, and for good reason. I relate to the characters and their stories and, at the end, I always feel hopeful about my own life.
Bridget is a self-proclaimed “spinster” – a thirty-something, singleton who has a few vices, including smoking, drinking and always falling for the wrong men (she also believes she’s overweight, but I disagree with her on that one). What I love most about Bridget is that she tends to ramble, sometimes her words inappropriate, whenever she gets nervous. But she is also smart, funny, kind-hearted, and has family and friends who love and support her. Aside from the smoking, I really, really relate to Bridget. My favorite part of the movie comes somewhere in the middle, where Bridget and Mark have this conversation:
Mark: I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences. I realize that when I met you at the Turkey Curry Buffet that I was unforgivably rude... and wearing a reindeer jumper... that my mother had given me the day before. But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you. Very much. Bridget: Apart from the smoking and the drinking and the vulgar mother and the verbal diarrhea... Mark: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.
It always gives me goosebumps. I think everyone, at one point or another in their lives, has longed to hear those words from someone. Bridget is far from perfect, but Mark likes her very much. Just as she is.
When I think back to all the relationships I've had over the years, it's somewhat obvious that no one has ever truly loved me for who I am. I’ve had short relationships, long relationships, and non-relationships. I’ve had relationships that started in friendship, started with love at first sight, and started with love on second glance. Relationships filled with fond memories and memories I try hard to forget. I’ve had relationships that have ended in friendship, ended mutually, and ended surprisingly and crushingly. But I’ve learned from all of them. Most importantly, by age 29, I've learned who I am and what I want. And what I deserve.
At the end of the day, I realized that it's quite possible I may never find someone who loves me “just as I am.” And you know, what? I’m ok with that. I will never, ever, settle for anything less than everything. Why settle when I already have a full and happy life? A life full of family and friends who, in fact, love me just as I am. I love my independence and my freedom and the possibilities that lie ahead for me. And I love me. Just as I am. :-)
As a kid, I always lamented on my misfortune… I was born and raised in Cleveland. Oh the horror! Cleveland is cursed: the sports teams, the weather, the economic pit of despair. Surely, I belonged somewhere like California where I could be a beach bunny. Or New York City where I could submerse myself in fashion and culture.
These could have been me.
And then somewhere along the road of life, I realized… Cleveland is actually a great place to live. There is a lot to do and see here, the cost of living is cheap, and the changing of the seasons is refreshing and beautiful! Carrie Bradshaw once said, “If…you only get one great love, New York may just be mine. And I can't have nobody talking shit about my boyfriend.” Well, I may not go quite that far about Cleveland, but I understand the sentiment. And I have found a great appreciation for my city over the years, especially over the last couple of days.
Woahhhh Cleveland!
On Wednesday night, I caught a showing of The Phantom of the Opera at the Allen Theater with eight other lovely ladies, friends and family. It was my second time seeing the show in Cleveland and I still had goosebumps nearly the entire time. I absolutely love the theater. Did you know that Cleveland’s Playhouse Square is the second-largest theater center in the US (second to NYC)? Most of the eight theaters were built in the early 1920s but still maintain their original construction. Many of them closed in the late sixties but thankfully re-opened in the late eighties. Now, in 2010, as you walk down Euclid Avenue’s Theater District, you’re treated to the impressive sight of the bright marquee lights, the delicious smells from the great restaurants and the delightful sounds of some random guy playing the saxophone. It’s quite an experience every single time you visit. Now that I’ve discovered you can get $10 seats to the shows, I’ll be going much more often.
Cleveland's theater district about half a century ago.
Then last night, three friends and I got free tickets to see Back to the Future at the Palace Theater. (Along with free popcorn, free candy, free hot pretzels, and a free drink). How can you beat that? But the absolute best part of the evening, besides for the company and the free perks, was the atmosphere. We walked into the Palace and were immediately transported back in time (very appropriate, considering the movie we were about to see). The architecture and detail to the theater is just jaw-dropping. It’s so elegant and timeless. And there was an organ player! He was playing “Music of the Night” and “Memories” and other Broadway classics for about 15 minutes before the show started. The theater was packed. Then the lights dimmed and there on the screen was a Bugs Bunny cartoon! It was actually hilarious! The whole theater burst into applause when the movie started. It was the first time that I can remember that kind of interaction between an audience and a film: the laughs, the applause, the oohs and ahhs throughout the movie. The happiness of the theater was palpable. At the end of the movie, when the lights came on and we were reverted back to 2010 (not 1985 as I had hoped for), the faces of the people leaving the theater was a sight to see... everyone had a really great time.
"When this baby hits 88 miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit."
I’m very grateful to have such wonderful friends and family to experience my city with. Who says there’s nothing to do in Cleveland? There’s a lot to be discovered… and rediscovered. Get out there!
